you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Nicole vs. Life
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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