I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
