party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
