i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Randomize
