I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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