What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
