so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
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