You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
