my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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