Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
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