Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize