Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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