worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Randomize
