had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
