Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
