My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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