Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
