Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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