apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
