It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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