Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
