i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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