The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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