i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
