My liver just broke up with me...
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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