Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You took a bar mat shot.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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