I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
my phone needs a breathalizer
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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