but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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