Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
