apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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