watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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