Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
