Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
