hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
