I wish you could order shots online.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
