he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
