after a month anything with tits is on the radar
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
