11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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