We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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