just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
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