i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
