i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
