I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
