My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
organizing the empties. That sober.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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