The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
then he tried to convert me to islam
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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