turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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