you guys were way drunker than both of me
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
