Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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