I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You've changed since you got that strap on
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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