Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
