Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I need a burrito and a hug.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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