i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
