I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
