Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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