he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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