I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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