I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
