So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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