i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize