This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
