the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
