No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
