I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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