I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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