So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
