So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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