I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize