I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I will be naked everywhere
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
