i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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