apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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