Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
