I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
