Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
