Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
