break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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