my vag is so smooth its legendary
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
