I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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