I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
